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Hello reader,

Welcome to my story.

This is a story I would rather not have known. Rather not have been able to tell because it hurts and I am so ashamed, too. For, I could have done (/should have done?) so many things differently…

He was about ten years older than me. I knew him through the choir and we had become friends. He got married about two years before, which was fine by me.

That night he touched me with his hands. He clasped my knees with his, whilst I was lying on the ground. Afterwards, he hugged me and his hands smoothly slipped underneath my shirt. That wasn’t the plan!!! This is not something I wanted! He was just supposed to come and eat with me, how did I end up in this situation??? And, just as important, how do I get out of it ASAP! He kissed me, he touched me, he enjoyed my body. And I was completely out of it. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t want this, yet it felt good? I would never have taken the initiative. What an incredibly crappy situation…! His hands were roaming all over my body and his head almost disappeared into my chest… no, I really did not want this, did I really end up missing all kind of signals? Why was he doing this? My sensibly planned life collapsed completely. He kissed me and disappeared again with his head in my chest. I felt like a thing. Like an object. This wasn’t love. This was something else. A man who could not control himself. (This is some wisdom I only recently stumbled upon) At one point, he started French kissing me, and that was the moment for me that I noticed I had some kind of say in all of this. I, then, dared to shove him off me and I said ‘stop’.

Magically, I passed my exam the next day, but I couldn’t focus anymore on the other exams. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. How your life can be so different from one day to the next… I don’t think the human brain was made to be able to comprehend that…

Additionally, I have quite missed the texts, and actually the daily contact that we had. No, no heartbreak, but a broken friendship that I had to get over.

Right now, I am getting help, but the images from that night are still in my head. I still regularly wake up fully confused and panicked and don’t know the difference between now and then. But, I can also tell you that life goes on and there are a lot of people who only know a little bit of my story but support me anyway and a proud of me. That might sound selfish, but I know that I can count on those people. I have a place I can go to when I am falling apart. Because it is not nothing.

Good luck if you are on this website because you went through something similar. Please look for help, talk about it to someone, even if it’s just the words: he touched me. You are stronger than you think you are.